Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Pill

Birth Control through the Ages

from “The PILL” by Bernard Asbell

by Richard E. Noble

Pliny (23-79 AD.) “If a man makes water upon a dog’s urine he will become disinclined to copulation.” (Yeah, but what about the Dog?) He also suggests that; “If a woman’s loins are rubbed with blood taken from the ticks upon the back of a black wild bull, she will be inspired with an aversion to sexual intercourse. (Yes, and so too, the tick gatherer, and tick blood spreader - I would imagine.)
ibnal Baytar (Thirteen centuries later): “If a woman urinates in the urine of a wolf, she will never be with child (Of course, and not to mention, “with friends”, either)
Dioscorides: “The menstrual blood of a woman appears to prevent conception when they spread themselves with it.” (I should certainly think so. It would definitely slow me down.) He also suggested eating the kidney of a mule. (He suggested this on his TV show “Dioscorides Live” which was seen nationwide at the time.)
Aetios of Amida (sixth century): Advised woman to wear cat liver in a tube on the left foot or wear the testicles of a cat in a tube around the umbilicus, or carry, as an amulet around the anus - the tooth of a child; or wrap in stag skin the seed of henbane deluded in the milk of a mare nourishing a mule, carry it on her left arm - and don’t drop it! (This has worked for almost all women other than Sophia Loren.)
Albertus Magnus: “The ancients say that if a woman hangs about her neck the finger and the anus of a dead fetus she will not conceive while they are there.” (True, but her house will more than likely be blown up by Right to Life advocates of whom Albertus Magnus was their first champion.)
Shen Nung, Chinese Emperor (273 7-2696), he advised men to have sex often but don’t ejaculate. He wasn’t so concerned with controlling the birth rate as he was in producing sons. This technique returned sperm to the brain and made it stronger. It was later called Coitus Reservatus, (even later to be known as Spermus Backeruptus, the leading cause of fidgeting, nocturnal emissions, the electrolux syndrome and acne in teenage boys.) He also suggests that if your wife persisted in having girl babies, drowned them.
This practice is not to be confused with Cloitus Interruptus, more commonly described by clerics and rabbis as “plowing in the garden and emptying upon the dunghill.” This practice was condemned by Thomas Aquinas to the many thanks of housewives all over America.
Soranus (98-138 A.D.) He suggests that immediately after the man ejaculates the woman ought to ... “get up and sit down with bent knees, and in this position, provoke sneezes.” And Rhazes a thousand years later offered that ... “immediately after ejaculation, let the two come apart and let the woman rise roughly, sneeze and blow her nose several times, and call out in a loud voice, and jump violently backwards seven to nine paces and squeeze her naval with her thumb.” (And the male should lie on his back and light up a Lucky Strike. Hey, come on, sex should be fun for everybody, not just the girls.)
This book The Pill by Bernard Asbell besides being full of useful and energizing information is more than interesting. It is a social as well as a religious experience. One thing is for certain - trying not to have babies has been going on for centuries; thank God.

No comments: