“The House of David”
by Jerry M. Landay A Bible Story
By Richard E. Noble
Samuel is the spiritual leader of the Jews at this time. He is kind of like a Jewish Pope. Saul is the King (Alexander the Great). Samuel (the Jewish Pope) is in a constant rivalry with Saul (the Jewish Alexander the Great). Samuel who praises Saul in public and was instrumental in Saul’s rise to Power and fame, has a jealous streak. He thinks Saul has become too big for his beanie. He keeps whispering negative propaganda into the ears of rival leaders and trying to get Saul killed. Saul would really like to kill Samuel’s dumb ass, but killing the Pope (even a Jewish Pope, gets nobody anywhere.) Instead he frets about his whole situation, and in between conquering and killing his non-Jewish neighbors (sometimes his Jewish neighbors) he has fits of depression (and rightfully so, I might add). He paces up and down his castle (probably his tent - he’s basically an Arab), talks to himself, and can hardly find time for any of his many wives and multiple children. He really sounds like he is totally out of his mind, but yet he has good days and bad days. Everybody knows this, and consequently they avoid him on his bad days and speak with him only on his good days.
Jonathan (a son of Saul) hears about David, a shepherd, who plays a mean harp or lute or something, and sings songs.
Jonathan brings David to Saul, and David strums out some tunes (Yanni). Saul likes David and his music, but in between playing “I Want To Hold Your Hand” on the harpsichord or lute or whatever, David must also earn his keep. So in-between concerts David is sent out to kill people in the neighborhood. He is real good at it and supposedly kills a giant with a little stone one day. David becomes a rather popular folk hero, and has all the little Jewish girls swooning - including Saul’s daughter.
David’s success on the battlefield brings Saul to a state of total distraction. He grows to hate the little bastard.
He throws a spear at him and nearly kills his ass one day. Jonathan, who has no particular aspirations of ever becoming king of the Jews (he’s seen what it has done to his father) takes a shine to David. He fixes David up with one of his sisters, Michal, in hopes that dad will like David better. Michal and David decide to get married, but dad demands a dowry of the poor little shepherd boy. David must go out and slay one hundred Philistines.
The Philistines are a rival ethnic neighborhood gang. David bravely slays one hundred Philistines and brings back a hundred foreskins to prove it. You’d think scalps, or skulls or something would have been better than foreskins, but obviously foreskins are important to Jews. So David brings back Saul a bag of Philistine foreskins, but even so, Saul tries to Kill David while he is in bed with Michal. (Maybe Saul felt that he got shorted a foreskin or two. I wonder what foreskins were selling for in the open market?)
In any case, David runs away and becomes a kind of Quantrill’s raiders, after which he forms his own Foreign Legion and hires himself and his band of professional killers to the king of the Philistines. Throwing spears and gathering foreskins obviously provided a more exhilarating life than shepherding.
That is as far as I have gotten. I’m losing interest and foreskins as well as ancient Jewish History are beginning to seem rather obscene to me.
“Jerry M. Landay is a well known journalist and broadcaster with a distinguished career at home and abroad.”... it says in the back of my book.
Wow! I’m impressed. I presume that he must have acquired great wisdom in overcoming the lunacy and basic insanity of his traditional religious training.
(Oh Yeah, and don’t forget that they are all doing what they are doing for Yahweh - the Jewish version of Allah. And pretend that you didn’t see the word Yahweh in print because it is not allowed to be written or spoken. I don’t know if you can say Yahweh to yourself in silent prayer - but maybe if you could go out and gather up a bag or two of foreskins it would be acceptable. And you know the Jews think that the Muslims are crazy.)