Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Eastpointer

Health, Happiness, and a Hot Fudge Banana Split!

By Richard E. Noble

This petite, well dressed, shapely middle-aged woman stepped up to one of my ice cream cases. She scanned the varieties of ice cream like she was looking over a whole table of dead fish - blood, guts and everything. I had seen the type over and over.
Standing behind her is a red faced, jolly man, sporting a double chin and a good sized pot belly.
His designer wife hems and haws. She just can't make up her mind. Her decision is not perplexed because of all the different flavors being offered at Hobo's Ice Cream Parlor – now Hog Wild Bar-B-Q in Carrabelle. Her actual decision is whether she wants to go on starving and punishing herself or if she should indulge in the perversion and lust of ice cream.
"Do you have any sugar free ice cream?" she stumbles, hesitantly.
"Yes, I do. I have three different varieties."
"Do they taste good?" she peeps.
"I don't know. I don't eat that stuff," I tell her. "But people, who are diabetic or dying of some other incurable disease, tell me that it is pretty good."
The "Hey Norm" type guy standing behind her is still smiling but getting a little fidgety.
"Could I try a little taste of that one right there," she says pointing.
I get a plastic spoon and I proceed to get her a sample portion.
"Oh ... oh, you see that dab of strawberry lying there in the chocolate that I have chosen. Would you please remove that?"
I spoon out the dab of strawberry and also grab up a portion of the chocolate - just to make sure that I get it all."
As I remove the spoon from the tub of ice cream Norm says, "What are you going to do with that?"
"I'm going to throw it into the trash can," I tell him.
"No, no, no!" he says, shaking his head vigorously. I'll eat that." I pass him the spoon.
"Is it possible to get a half scoop, or do I have to get a whole scoop?" little miss Slim & Trim asks.
"Well, I will gladly give you as little as you want but the lowest price will be that of one full scoop."
The poor, troubled woman sighs deeply. "Okay, give me half a scoop of the sugar free chocolate."
"You want that on a homemade waffle cone or a regular cone?"
"Does the homemade cone have sugar in it?"
"Lady, everything in here has sugar in it except the sugar free ice cream that you ordered. And only god knows what that stuff has in it in place of the sugar. I'm sure some research scientist is injecting rats with it in some secret laboratory as we speak. Choose your own poison, lady."
"Can you put it in a cup?"
"And what about you, sir?"
"Yeah, I want the largest banana split that you have. I want it filled with the richest chocolate ice cream you have but instead of the usual toppings I want it drenched in hot fudge and covered with a ton of whipped cream - and don't skimp on the nuts."
"No problem."
The little lady almost has a heart attack. She tish, tish, tishes and shakes her head in total disgust.
"Don't yell for me when you are rolling around on the floor clutching your chest. It is your life! You are a big boy now."
I look at Norm. He smiles.
"Don't forget, I like whipped cream. And could I get three maraschino cherries - one on each stack of ice cream."
"You know sweetheart, I just recently read in Eat Right and Never Die magazine that maraschino cherries don’t digest in the human body."
"Well, what the heck happens to them?" asks Norm.
"They putrefy and then rot out your small intestine."
"I don't think I have a small intestine. Everything I have is big. So don't worry about it, honey."
"I'm not worried! Do I look worried? Your life insurance is all paid up."
"Honey, you will die of anorexia and I'll be living on an island in the South Pacific with a village of native beauties who all think that fat men are beautiful."
"We'll see."
"No Honey, unfortunately you won't - but I will!"
After Norm got his hot fudge banana split, they strolled out onto the little porch that looked out onto highway 98. She was snuggled up next to him and whispering into his ear. He was shaking his head negatively. Finally he said, "Oh all right! Go get another spoon."
When I next looked out at the couple she had tossed her sugar free in the trash can and they were each taking turns spooning into his giant, all chocolate, hot fudge banana split with lots of whipped cream and three maraschino cherries.
On their way out I said, "Well now with a little luck, you both might die simultaneously."
"Yeah, having sex I hope!" said he.
"Oh shut up!" said she.

Hobo-ing America and A Summer with Charlie are books written by Richard E. Noble who is a freelance writer. He has been a resident of Franklin County for over thirty years. Both books are now available on If you would like to stock these books in your store or business call 1-850-670-8076 or e-mail me at