Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sex is Normal

Sex is Normal?
by Richard E. Noble
I have always had a problem with the concept or definition of the word normal. People are prone to say things like; “That just ain’t normal ... why that’s against human nature ... leave that boy alone, Ethel - he is just being a normal all-American boy.” But what is normal anyway?
Normal is what everybody else does. As long as you do as everybody else does, you will be considered normal. In this country you can do a heck of a lot of weird things and still be considered normal. You can wear rings in your ears and that is perfectly normal within a certain group - be they male or female. But, if you stick a bone through your nose, you will probably be considered abnormal - even at a rock festival. You can grow your hair long or short; you can color it purple; you can shave it all off; you can shave just some of it off and leave parts of it growing here and there; you can even carve little slogans into your scalp - like; “Billy-joe dumbo 1991” or “Go Red Devils”. You can do just about anything and still be considered normal - right up until the time that somebody comes up to you and says; “Sir, you have the right to remain silent, anything that you say from this moment on, etc.”
It has always seemed to me that as long as there are enough people performing a certain type of behavior, then, whatever it is that they are doing, is considered normal.
If, for example, you eat spaghetti by snorting each strand up one of the nostrils of your nose, you will probably be considered abnormal. But, if you can get twenty million other people to eat spaghetti in a similar manner, it will not only be considered normal behavior, but probably a social custom and/or national tradition.
My problem is that I seem to have been born with my own personal, built-in genetic sense of what is normal and what is not normal. If it attacks my sensibilities as abnormal then, by golly, it is abnormal even if the whole world is doing it.
For example, let’s take sex. Sex is abnormal. I don’t care how you do it, or who or what you do it with - it is abnormal.
I have always known this - even as a little boy. In fact, I can remember to this day, the first time that another little boy tried to explain to me what my father had done to my mother in order for me to be born. I was very upset, because I knew that the behavior that he had just described was not normal. I knew that my father was much too intelligent and possessed much too much pride in himself to be acting like that. And even if he did have, hidden somewhere deep inside, such a kinky-ness, my mother would never have allowed it.
But, you say, what is so abnormal about sex? Everybody does it and if they didn’t, the human race would have died out long ago. You are exactly right. And clearly, extinction was God’s plan for the human race. But, that is a discussion for another time and another place. Sex is our topic here; its normalcy or ab-normalcy - as one Republican president would have put it, many decades past.
To get a clearer grasp of the abnormalcy of sex let change things around slightly.
What if, at a certain age - let’s call it fool-berty - every time a little boy looked upon a pretty little girl, his big toe suddenly and mysteriously swelled up to three times it’s normal size. Is this normal? Would any of you consider this normal? I think not, but let us continue.
Let’s say that each and every time this little boy sees this pretty little girl, he is struck by an overpowering desire to run up to this pretty little girl and rub his big, swollen toe into her right ear. IS THIS NORMAL? Tell me, in all honesty, DO YOU THINK THAT THIS IS NORMAL?
Let us continue. Let us hypothesize that if this little girl allows this little boy to rub his swollen big toe into this little girl’s right ear, there is the distinct possibility that her head - over a period of months - will swell up to two, or maybe three, times its normal size; AND, at the end of a nine month period, an eight to twelve pound baby will be secreted, forcibly, through one of the nostrils of her nose - right nostril, it is a boy; left nostril, it is a girl. This is normal? This sounds normal to you? Even if it happened to everybody would this seem normal to you? Come on? You all know better. Deep down inside you all know, as well as I do, that sex just isn’t normal. Despite Alexander Pope, just because something is - that don’t make it right. You know it; and I know it. I can just hear the conversation in the back seat of that old Chevy right now;
“Okay Leroy! Just keep your shoes on.”
“But . . . but . . . you just don’t understand how this feels - look.”
“I don’t want to look at your big toe, you moron. Just keep that thing tucked in your sock; besides, I have an ear ache.”
“Oh come on? It won’t hurt. Nothing will happen.”
“Yeah, right . . . you’re not the one whose head is going to swell up. How would you like to have a bowling ball stuffed up your nose?”
Now seriously, my friends, what is the difference here? All that I did was change around a few body parts here and there. Clearly using the proper body parts makes this no saner an act or circumstance. The whole situation is totally absurd. This so called
normal sexual behavior is just as ludicrous no matter what body parts we substitute.
Let’s get real! The baby grows on the inside of the woman? Then this eight or twelve pound monstrosity is forced out of the woman’s body via a hole the size of a walnut? THIS IS NORMAL! As that goofy looking guy on the TV would say - give me a break will you please.
Let’s wake up and smell the roses here. God is trying to tell us all something but we just aren’t listening.
You see, after Adam and Eve screwed up in the Garden of Eden, God decided that the human race was just a big mistake. He was going to put Adam and Eve to sleep, but He just didn’t have the heart. Sure they were dumb, disobedient, and a total pain in the butt, yet they were, nevertheless, kind of cute - in a stupid sort of way. Instead of simply destroying Adam and Eve, He decided on another course. He would make sex, and the process of reproducing, such a ridiculous, embarrassing, idiotic, and physically painful experience, that no human being in its right mind would actually consider it an option. But as you all can see, God severely overestimated man’s sense of dignity and self-respect, and woman’s innate curiosity and obvious masochistic tendencies.
In any case, sex, no matter how it is practiced - with whom or with whatever - has always been a clear perversion of God’s Plan as far as I am concerned. Whether you are a heterosexual, a homosexual, a bisexual, a mono or mano-sexual, a shoe or sox fetish-ist, or find yourself attracted to watermelons; whether you choose the missionary position, the military position, the Marquis de Sade position, the Monica Lewenski position or even the Abu Ghraib prisoner of war position - you are all a bunch of perverts to me.
My personal philosophy with regards to sex is pretty much the same as the philosophy of most of the girls that I have dated throughout my lifetime. I don’t care how you do it, or who does it better - just so long as you don’t try to do it to me. YOU GET ME!
And that does mean YOU! Any of you!


Richard Edward Noble said...

Oh Wow! This is the funniest blog that I have read all this week. I can't believe it. My Goodness! Keep up the good work.

The Practical Idealist said...

Man, this is really hilarious! Great going Mr.Richard!

Richard Edward Noble said...

the practical idealist - I've always liked this one also. I'm happy you enjoyed it.