Saturday, February 25, 2006

Alexander the Great

Alexander the Great 356-323

by Richard E. Noble

Alexander is known as “the Great”, according to the prominent historian Will Cuppy, because he killed more people of more different kinds than any other man of his times.
One thing that one should keep in mind when reading about ancient peoples is that the great majority of them and their rulers were out of their ever-loving minds. Alexander was no exception. His father, Philip of Macedonia, was a raving, alcoholic lunatic. He and young Alexander had numerous fist fights, and on several occasions tried to stab one another to death. Dad always felt cheated because “he never done got no education”, so he hired the unemployed, fleeing refugee from Athens, Aristotle, to learn his little boy.
One of the high points in the life of Alexander the Great was that he was taught for a couple of years by this famed philosopher, Aristotle. This seems to have had as much of an effect on little Alexander as early Christian training had on Adolf Hitler. Aristotle, you will remember, is the great teacher who taught that the brain is an organ that exist merely for the purpose of cooling the blood and is not involved in the thinking process. This is only true of certain persons, says Willy Cuppy.
Alexander’s Mom, Olympias, was a cutesy herself. She liked snakes, and had them roaming all over the castle. And as Willy Cuppy says; “Having real snakes at home does an alcoholic no good, it just complicates matters.” She had her husband assassinated, and then boiled one of his several other wives, alive.
To complicate Alexander’s rise to “Greatness” coming from this background of dysfunctional family life, he also seems to have been burdened with a “sexual identity” problem. But being a Greek in those good-old-days, no one noticed.
He got drunk one evening and killed one of his best friends. This made him cry - not the best friend, Alex - the next day of course; he was too drunk the day he actually performed the dirty deed to cry, or laugh for that matter. He also crucified the physician of Hephaestion, his roommate.
Alexander the Great was a real sweetheart. One can only marvel at anyone calling this man “Great”. How about Alexander the Terrible, or Alexander the Lunatic, or Alexander the Sick and Deranged. Both he and his roommate died of fever and drunkenness. Lucky for all of us, he died at thirty three. I should think that Alexander was the kind of kid who could have changed the Pope’s mind on the value of abortion.
But let’s not leave Alexander the Moron on a negative note. For some mystical reason he didn’t persecute the Jews and was responsible for introducing the eggplant to Europe. What I guy!

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