UNDER THE INFLUENCE
By Richard E. Noble
“This dog-gone country is goin’ to the dogs!
All they can ever think of is makin’ a whole bunch a more laws!”
Then old Russell took a swig on his beer, for a pause.
“Yup, it’s just goin’ down hill ... goin’ to the dogs!
Take this drunkin’ drivin’ and all these darn new laws,
why a fella can’t even have a drink
before some cop is on top a him with one of them claws.
I mean, there I am ... they took away my license last year …”
Then old Russell took another slug of beer.
“I’m tryin’ to get home goin’ down one of them dark back roads
when all of a sudden one of them unmarked cars with the sirens unloads.
Jerked my heart ... nearly sent me into a ditch;
that gosh darn foolhardy son of a switch!
I’ll tell ya, I think a man drives better when he’s drunk.
He drives more careful, I mean, gosh-darn,
a man knows he’s drunk when he’s drunk!
He don’t race around slippin’ and slidin’.
Heck, he’s got all he can do to keep from collidin’.
I mean drivin’ drunk makes a man nervous enough,
tryin’ to keep a straight line and all that stuff.
Why, when I’m drivin’ drunk, so’s I can barely see
the last thing that I need is some darn cop hidin’ behind some tree!
Why, I’ll tell you the truth;
it’s them sneekin’ Po-leece that’s the problem for us all.
Get rid of them sons-a-guns,
and we’ll get this country’s horse out of this stall!