Abram

“The First Jew”

By Richard E. Noble

Well, in my search for the first Jew ever, I think that I have finally come to my man. The first Jew ever was Abram, who is more commonly known as Abraham. He lived around two thousand years before Christ. He was obviously some sort of scholar. He knew astronomy and is said by Josephus to have introduced mathematics to the Egyptians. Josephus is not to be confused with Bo-sephus. Josephus is a Jew, historian and Bo-sephus is a redneck, country music singer.
Abraham is credited as being the first man to proclaim publicly that there was only one God and that God’s name was YVHV (Yahweh). But this does not seem to be the case. What he said seems to be that there is one God who is more powerful than all of the other Gods and this God’s name is Yahweh. Yahweh was the most powerful of all the Gods because he controlled the universe. The universe was greater than rain, wind, fire, ocean etc., since all of these things were merely a part of it. Therefore, whoever was in charge of the universe had to be in charge of all the other Gods who controlled all of its various parts.
This was considered deep thinking to Abraham and family but not so deep to the Chaldeans who looked upon Abraham as a cult whack-o. Especially when he ran around telling everybody that his god was bigger than their god and that he talked with Yahweh on a regular basis. I would suppose that the last straw for the Chaldeans came when Abraham told them that Yahweh and he had made a covenant. And this covenant proclaimed that he, Abraham, would be the leader of the greatest nation to ever exist and that his sons would also lead great nations - just so long as they “sexually mutilated” themselves and all of their male children.
Rumors spread about that the followers of Abraham not only sexually mutilated their male sons but that, on occasion they killed a few, ate them and drank their blood. To make a long story short, the Chaldeans ran Abraham off and he ended up in the land of Canaan, later known as Judea. And I would guess that followers of Abraham who came from Judea were then known as Jews. So there you go.
I don’t know where the notion of killing and eating the babies came from but the drinking blood notion probably came from the method of cauterizing the wound of circumcision by having the priest or circumciser orally suck the blood away from the wounded area. It was thought that there were healing elements contained in the mouth and its saliva and such. Well?? Folks were still drilling holes in peoples’ heads a few centuries later to let out evil demons, you know.
When Abraham was about a hundred years old he knocked up his wife Sarah’s handmaid Hagar and she gave birth to a boy she named Ishmael. Shortly thereafter, Sarah, who was nearly one hundred years old herself, became pregnant. (We’ll presume Abraham the responsible male sperm donor here, though I don’t know why.) Sara gave birth to a son she named Laughter (Isaac). No doubt she thought this whole thing to be a bad joke. She then gave Hagar a bottle of water and a loaf of bread, and told her to take Ishmael and hit the road. Hagar and Ishmael both nearly die in the desert, but unfortunately they don’t. And eventually a descendent of Ishmael gives birth to, of all people, Mohammed. Can you believe it? So if you have been wondering why the damn Arabs hate the damn Jews, meditate on Abraham’s little fling with Hagar and their illegitimate son Ishmael for a century or two.