“Saint” Augustine (354- 430 A.D.)
By Richard E. Noble
As far as I can see it took a lot of nerve to make Hogie Augie a Saint. It takes equal hyperbole to call this guy a philosopher, but yet there he is.
If you are a man and you had to be re-born a “religious” in ancient times, you would want to have been born The Holy Hogie Augie. This holy man’s big curse in his early life was an infinite erection.
In his “Confessions” he admits to trying to have sex with everything that didn’t move or run away from him. He loved the girls. But ... but having sex with everybody’s mother, sister and granddaughter made him feel guilty. He often fell down on his knees and prayed to God to relieve him of this cross of a perpetual erection. But just before he got up off his knees, he confesses, he would offer this ejaculation:
“But God please don’t remove this curse before I have had my fill...”
And it seems that Holy Hogie Augie got his fill right up until he was in his thirties or forties, and then one can only presume that he became impotent or his dickie fell off.
My problem has always been that if something made me feel guilty, I couldn’t do it; and if I did do it, some sort of retribution on my part was required. “Saint” Augustine obviously didn’t have this problem. He seems to have been like a good many of the Catholic boys that I grew up with. Making a good “confession” every Friday night was penance enough for them, and then in the week to follow it was fun and games as usual. And if any unfortunate happened to get pregnant ... it wasn’t theirs.
When I think of “Saint” Augustine, a rich and prominent individual for all of his life, I presume, I wonder if any of the numerous bastard children that he must have left behind in his sexual wake, ever received a check in the mail; or maybe a little card at “Christmas” time; how about a ball game once a month? How about a scholarship to Catholic U.?
And what about the girls? Some of them must have fallen in love with him? In his confessions does he write even one passage of remorse and sorrow for the lives that he ruined and for the poor tender hearts that he may have broken? A little poem, even, about; Oh how sorry I am to have hurt poor tender hearted little Lulu? He
cries about sins that he committed in the crib and goes on for hundreds of pages about stealing an apple, but I don’t recollect or have I yet found any mention of breaking any poor girl’s heart, or even apology to any known or unknown fatherless child.
No, Hogie Augie spends his redemption here on earth advising “evil” women to remain virgins and to stop bringing divinely condemned children with the stain of Original Sin on their souls into the world.
Augie paid his earthly debts to his heavenly father, rather than write a check in the here and now to the individuals he owed. I only wish today that American Express would accept the same type payment plan, and then maybe one day I could be a “Saint” too.