Lawrence - My Hometown
Guinevere and her host of little dirty Knights
By Richard E. Noble
One of the old corner gang was a very promiscuous sort – actually there were several of the same sort in the old gang. For the lack of an imaginative fictitious name, let’s just call this old gang member, Joe.
Joe was a “fun little girl” finder – of course Joe was also “little.” We were all little – at least for a time.
Joe was a generous fellow also. He believed in sharing.
Joe and his over active fun-girl finder found this cute, blond girl from Methuen one day. From his own experience he found her to be lots of “fun.” So he introduced her to the whole gang. They had there first club meeting in her bedroom at her parent’s house. Where her parents were and what they were occupied with in place of their little girl, is still a mystery to all of us.
Let’s call this little girl Guinevere. Guinevere was very accommodating but had one tiny hang up – as the gang has told me. Of course, I have no actual knowledge of any of this. I was busy studying my Latin responses for Father Arcanada and the Sunday Mass ceremony.
Guinevere was under the impression that sex was “dirty.” This was a common notion back in the “good old days.” In order to clean this whole sex business up a bit, Guinevere would never allow herself to participate in such endeavors totally naked. She would not take her socks off. She would save sock-less love for her one true and forever love.
The boys too liked this idea and they too participated with their socks on – saving themselves similarly. Hey, sounds reasonable to me. This was “clean” sex, not safe sex. But clean sex was very important - better to save your soul by having clean sex than to have safe sex and go to hell anyway. This was a Roman Catholic thing, I think. As I understand it Guinevere had “clean” sex with every little boy in a 40 mile radius of her bedroom.
Okay, now we have the prologue to this kiddy tale from the Decameron.
Time passes and there we all are sitting on the steps at Nell’s Variety, when down the hill from the Howard comes old Ralphie (false name - designed to protect the stupid). It is late. Nell’s is closed and the streetlight has been on for hours.
“Hey Ralphie, what are you doing out so late. This is past your bedtime, ain’t it?”
“Oh man, you guys are not going to believe it. I just made love up the old Howard with the future Mrs. Ralphie.”
Ralphie was the kind of guy who was in love with every little girl who smiled at him. But Ralphie had a strong moral character. Although he was rather free with his sexual favors, as were most of the boys, he never had sex with a girl that he wasn’t intending to marry. I think this was Ralphie’s version of Guinevere’s sock thing. And all of his future wives we just wonderful, sweet, little homemakers.
“This girl is just terrific.”
“Of course she is.”
“No not because of that. She is just wonderful all over. Do you know what she likes to do most of all?”
“She likes to knit.”
“Really, well I hope she knows how to knit baby booties.”
“She likes to sew too.”
“That’s great, Ralphie, tell us more.”
“She bakes cookies every weekend.”
“Have you eaten any?”
“No but I’m sure they are good.”
“She loves kids too.”
“Well, that is a good thing. It sounds like she may be having one or two … or three or four … or ...”
“Oh come on! Get off it. I’m serious.”
“Ralphie, you are always serious, right up until the next potential little homemaker comes along.”
“Yeah but this is different. This is the real thing. I am truly in love with this girl and she is seriously in love with me. She told me that I was the boy of her dreams. She said that she had been waiting for me all her life.”
“She has been waiting for a fat, potentially bald, sweaty little meatball like you all her life? Man, tell her to get a real life.”
“I’m going to buy her a ring.”
“You got enough money for the Cracker Jacks?”
“You guys are so damn funny. You all just wait and see. Guinevere is the girl for me man.”
“Did you say Guinevere?”
“Well, Ralphie you may have stumbled onto the girl of a lot of guy’s dreams.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ralphie, everybody knows Guinevere – and most guys know her as well as you do.”
“I don’t care. I’m still marring her. I love her and she loves me. This is the real thing. This ain’t puppy love. I mean we just made naked, passionate love up the Howard.”
“You said naked?
“Was she naked?”
“Well, all except for her socks. She said she was a little cold.”
“Ah huh. Well, Ralphie I wouldn’t be counting your knitted baby booties before they hatch.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll find out.”
As it turned out Ralphie did marry Guinevere. Such girls were loved by everybody in the good old days but yet frowned on as potential brides and mothers for some reason. It was one of those 50s or 60s things, I guess.
But in reflection and knowing the results of all the gang and the various girls of their dreams, Ralphie did about as well as most everybody else. I think that he is still married to that same girl and his children are all grown and living free – or have been granted an early release. I wonder if she is still wearing her socks to bed each evening. That would be disappointing.
Richard Edward Noble is a freelance writer and columnist. His local column, the Eastpointer, won the first place 2007 humor award from the Florida Press Association. He has published several books. All of his books can be viewed and purchased on Amazon.com. He can be contacted at email@example.com for bookstore discounts and volume sales.
Nile Kinnick isn't the only one from Iowa
1 week ago