Monday, March 24, 2008

And Then There was Adam

And Then There Was "Adam"


By Richard E. Noble

And at the twelfth hour of the eleventh day in the thirteenth millennium, at high tide, and on a full moon, God created ... MAN!
And Adam awoke to find himself in the Garden of Eden. And the garden was filled with all the beauty and wonder of God's imagination. There were trees, some bearing leaves and cones, and others bearing berries; and the ground was littered with melons and vegetables. And there were deer and pheasant and ducks and geese; chickens, raccoons, and walruses; and Adam was happy.
And Adam ate the fruit, and melons and the berries, and Adam was satisfied.
And Adam slept under a coconut tree.
And when God looked upon the scene, God was proud; and so He, on the following week, returned to the Garden to talk with His newly created son, about the wonders of this Garden, and the beauty and splendor of this, His newly created paradise. But Adam was not to be found.
And God looked, and looked, and looked. He looked under the fruit trees, and behind the berry bushes, but Adam was not to be found.
And finally God called out, "Adam!"
And Adam answered; "Over here, God. I'm over here." And God found Adam at the bottom of a deep hole. And God was confused, for He had made no holes in the Garden.
"Where did this hole come from?" He asked?
And Adam replied; "Why, I dug it my wondrous Creator." "And why would you do that?" God inquired?
And Adam cried out from deep within his hole; "Because of all the "piles," my Lord."
And again God was confused. "What piles, my son?" He asked?
And Adam replied; "All the piles that exude from my body after I consume all the fruit and berries; like the one you are standing in, my Master."
And God said, "oh sh_ _!"
And Adam said, "Exactly."
And God said; "How could this happen?"
And Adam said: "Well, I ate a whole bunch of fruit and berries; then the next thing I noticed, my stomach began to gurgle; then I felt this pain in my side and soon thereafter, there it was... laying on the mantle of your most wondrous garden ..."
And God said; "No, no, I can see that. What I was wondering was, how could I have made such an oversight?" And Adam said; "Beats me!"
And God said; "What plan have you devised to care for these piles?"
And Adam explained, "Well, I'm digging this combination latrine and pile-hole over here. I think I'll call it a "privy" and then whenever I feel the urge, I'll come over to this hole and deposit the pile. And in that way, your Garden will remain wondrous and free of this material; and I will know where all the piles are and neither of us will be stepping in them."
And God was proud that Adam had thought up such a plan. And Adam was proud, that God was proud.
And all of Heaven was proud.
And the Angels were proud.
And it was a "wonder."
And God was so happy, He went off on a trip through the clouds of His Universe.
And then one day when God was relaxing behind a cloud, He heard a noise coming from the Garden.
And it was a strange noise.
And it was an annoying noise.
And this noise was getting on God's nerves.
And so God took a stroll down to the Garden of Eden to investigate, and there he found Adam chopping down a pine tree ... or was it an Oak?
And God said; "Hold it! Hold it! What the heck are you doing there, son?"
And Adam said; "I'm building myself a log cabin. I made this ax out of a stone and a limb from one of your trees. Aren't you proud?"
And God wasn't sure. It was kind of clever of Adam, this ax and all, but what was a "cabin"? And again, God was confused.
"But, my son, why do you need a "cabin and what is a cabin?"
And Adam explained; "Well, a cabin is a house, my Lord. Every man needs a roof over his head and food on his table." And God was bewildered. "He does? But why does he, and what is a table?"
And Adam laughed.
And God frowned.
And Adam explained; "Well Master, these particular trees here, have no fruit on them; so I figured that they had no particular use. So, I thought that I might just as well cut them down and build me a cabin."
And God asked; "But why a cabin, Adam?"
And Adam thought; "Well, it doesn't have to be a cabin. It could be a duplex."
And God exclaimed; "A duplex!?"
And Adam responded timorously; "Well, how about a ranch?"
And then Adam showed God his blueprints.
And God had mixed emotions ... He didn't particularly like the duplex, but either the ranch or the log cabin had possibilities. "But," God said, "just because a tree doesn't bear fruit, that doesn't mean that it has no function, Adam."
And Adam was confused.
And God knew, then and there, that Adam had never read Paul Ehrlich or heard Sting, or thought about the Amazon rain forest but it was just a few trees and it made Adam happy, so God figured; What the heck? What harm can it do?
And so God let Adam build a cabin.
And Adam was proud.
And God was proud that Adam was proud.
And all of Heaven was proud.
And the Angels were proud.
And it was a wonder.
And for a month or two, God became pre-occupied somewhere in another galaxy. But, when He returned to the Garden of Eden, He was horrified. Adam had dug up every tree and berry bush in the garden, and the entire Garden of Eden was laying on its side.
And God was outraged.
And the deer, and the pheasant, and the ducks, and all the animals were confused.
And God said: "Holy Moses Adam! What in the Garden-of-Eden are you doing?"
And Adam felt God's anger, and he began to cry. "You never like anything that I do," he said. "All that you do is criticize me. It is just one thing after another. You go away on your little trips, and you play all over the Universe, while I'm stuck here in this stupid garden. You never show me any attention. Sometimes, I wonder if you even like me. And if you don't like me, why did you create me in the first place? You hate me, don't You? You do, don't You?"
And God felt guilty. "I like you Adam," God said. "And I know that it is not all your fault. But, you're always digging holes, and building cabins, and now you have dug up every tree in my beautiful garden. I love you Adam. If I didn't, why would I have created you in My own image and likeness? Now stop crying, and tell me; what on God's earth are you doing?"
And Adam sniffled, and stopped crying.
And Adam explained; "Well, the way you have this garden set up is a mess. You have an apple tree over here and a cherry tree over there. You have watermelons growing under coconut trees and honey dew melons under blueberry bushes."
And God said; "So?"
And Adam said: "Well, I thought that it would be better to have all of the apple trees in one area. You know, like an orchard; and all the orange trees in one grove; and all the watermelons in one patch; and all the pine trees in a forest and I could have a hardwood forest, and a pine forest. And you see this waterfall that you had over here? I dug this big reservoir and all these trenches and whenever I want to water the watermelons, I pull this lever, and it opens up this trap, and all the water from the dam dumps into this trench and is channeled right over to the watermelon patch, or to the cherry trees, or to the apple orchard."
And God shook his head.
And Adam began to cry again. "You don't like it," he said. "You hate me, don't you?"
And God said: "No, no, I don't hate you Adam. You are a good little fellow. You have your own mind, and I respect that." And Adam said; "You do?"
And God said: "Yes, I do. You may do things a little backwards, but your heart is in the right place. You go ahead about your business."
And God went off behind a cloud, to rest.
And when again He returned to the Garden, He found Adam barbecuing a hog, over an open pit fire.
And God was shocked.
And Adam said; "What's the matter?"
And God said; "You are supposed to pet the animals and eat the fruit and vegetables; not pet the fruit and eat the animals." And Adam said; "Obviously you have never eaten roasted pork. Try some of this, and put a little of the barbecue sauce on it, too."
And God left the Garden in a huff, and went off behind a cloud to think. And suddenly he had an idea. And when He returned to Adam and the Garden, He announced to Adam; "Adam, I have come to the conclusion that you are bored, and that you are lonely. So I am going to create for you a companion; one that you can love and cherish and one who will love and cherish you; one that you can have and hold from this day forward; one that will give you pleasure, and bear for you a son. He will be your son, as you are my son, and you will never be lonely again."
And Adam said; "Oh Wow! That sounds great. When are you going to do it?"
And right there and on that spot, God created Eve. And Adam looked upon Eve, and Adam fell in love. And Eve looked upon Adam, and Eve was in love also. And God was proud.
And Adam was proud.
And Eve was proud.
And all of Heaven was proud.
And the Angles were proud.
And it was a wonder.
And God went off behind a cloud and rested.
And so it was.
And time passed ... but strangely Eve bore Adam no son. And God was confused.
And God went down to the Garden to speak to his children but they were not to be found.
And God looked and searched.
And then finally, He heard their voices off behind the barn. And God was pleased.
And He called out to them but they did not hear.
And so He went to where they were.
And they were behind the barn frolicking and making love. And God was embarrassed.
And God turned quickly and prepared to leave. When suddenly He realized what was wrong.
And God turned to his son; "Adam, you fool!" He screamed.
And Adam said; "But ... but ... but."
And God said; "This side up, you idiot!"
And Adam began to cry.
And Eve began to cry.
And all of Heaven began to cry.
And the Angels cried.
But one day, Adam and Eve finally got it right. Then they got it right again ... and again ... and again. And they did it over and over and over; and again and again and again; and over and over and over; and ... Oh well ... you get the idea.