Monday, May 15, 2006
My Wife is Going to Hell
My Wife is Going to Hell
by Richard E. Noble
I was born and educated into the faith of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. As a part of my education I learned that only through the interdiction of the Holy Roman Catholic Church could anyone enter through the portals of Heaven. Everyone else was going to Hell, as unfortunate as that might seem. That includes all of you Episcopalian, Presbyterians, Baptist, Calvinists, Lutherans and any other type of disgruntled, whiny butts there might be out there.
My first confrontation in championing this belief came when a sixteen year old, big blue eyed, auburn haired very sweet thing by the name of Sharon (who also wore orange lipstick) developed a crush on me, if you can believe it. She operated the cash register next to me up at the First National on Broadway. She did her best to make her feelings known, but I managed to ignore her every advancement, until one day she pulled up a grocery cart out in the parking lot next to me. We had a way of making a chair out of a grocery cart. She didn’t beat around the bush. She wanted to know what it was that made the apple of her parent’s eye, their little heavenly angel, unfit for my company. I hated to do it, but someone had to. I informed her as gently as I could that she was, in point of fact, going to Hell.
As I explained it to her, in as gentile manner as I could, her eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger. I could hardly believe it. Finally when they were as wide as they could possibly get, they welled up with tears, she then burst into a ball crying, and left.
I never forgot that experience, and it will probably be interesting to all of you to know that I have now spent the last thirty years of my life with another blue eyed demon who is also on her way to Hell. But learning from my experience with Sharon (the girl who wore the orange lipstick, just like Doris Day) I haven’t told my wife. And let me tell you it has not been easy. Many times I felt that it was my personal duty to tell my wife that she was going to Hell - but I didn’t. All of these years, I have kept it to myself and told no one. But you know it is really a rather funny feeling knowing that your wife is going to Hell. Every time I look into her eyes I think about it. If you want to know what I mean, as you are leaving this hall take a good look at my wife. This will probably be your first experience looking right into the eyes of someone who is definitely going to Hell. You know we all have our suspicions about a lot of people, but how often do you see one for sure, right up front - no holds barred. This is not an everyday experience. You try it, and see.
But please don’t say anything to her about it. She probably won’t take it much better than Sharon did. (She never wears orange lipstick either.)