You are not going to Heaven
By Richard E. Noble
You have probably heard a lot of people tell you about God, and what He expects from you if you want to go to heaven. You have probably read a lot of words that you have been told were inspired by God. You may, in your lifetime, have even talked with people who have spoken with God. You may spend quiet moments in your evenings reading the inspired words of God or the revealed words of God. Well, if you do or have done any of the above, you will not find it shocking when I tell you that I too have a communication with God. Not only do I speak with God, but He, in turn, speaks to me. We two (T(t)who?) have regular conversations with one another. And I don’t mean this to upset you, but yet, I feel that it is my duty to all mankind to express what God has personally revealed to me.
Last night we (W(w)e?) were talking about you, and He told me that you would not be going to Heaven. I spoke up for you, and I told God that you were a good person, and that you always tried to do the right thing. You were good to others, and kind even to animals. But He said that none of that mattered. He said that He felt that you had a bad attitude. He said He thought you to be presumptuous. He said that He found the fact that you just presumed that because you were good and kind that He should open the gates of Heaven to you was obnoxious. So I just thought that you should know, you ain’t getting in, and it doesn’t matter what you do.
But don’t feel bad, Billy Graham isn’t going either. God said that He had nothing against Billy Graham; it was just that He already had so many preachers in Heaven that they were getting on His nerves. So He felt that for the next few centuries, no more preachers.
No more Popes for right now, either. Like God said to me last night; “If you’ve heard one Pope, why you’ve heard them all.”
And I suppose that some of you might find this hard to understand, but you must remember that God’s ways are mysterious, and beyond your reason, understanding and even your common sense. These words of God might sound downright stupid but that is only because you are a finite, ignorant oaf, and if you had half a brain you might be dangerous. In any case, it will all be made clear to you in the next world. Unfortunately for you, your next world is going to be a hot one, so dress light, and take a cooler.
God also told me that He was seriously considering letting no one into Heaven from now on. “But why?” I asked. He said that He was just tired of looking at them. Some of them were so damn ugly He wondered how He could even have created them. And what difference did it make if a few billion of them all just disappeared for awhile. “Who’s counting,” He said. “Yeah, but what about the Redemption,” I asked. “Redemption, shemption,” He answered. “What the Lord givith, the Lord can sure as heck takith away. This is going to be a new thing. It comes between The Redemption and The Salvation; I’m going to call it The Intermission - The Divine Intermission. Even God needs a break sometime.”
I understand that You need a break, and that there are a lot of ugly, stupid people out there, and The Divine Intermission sounds like a great idea, but what about me, I asked. Am I going to Heaven?
“Sure,” God said. “I like you. You’ve got a sense of humor, and that’s just what’s lacking up here. See you soon.”
“All right!” I screamed, jubilantly. “But what do you mean - soon? Couldn’t we change that to - see you later? a lot later?
Hello? Are you still there? Hello?”