A Democratic Tradition
By Richard E. Noble
The liberal tradition of American political Sex Scandal begins at the beginning, with the founding father of what everybody considers liberal thinking, Thomas Jefferson.
Thomas Jefferson besides being called an atheist, a traitor, and the man, who would put all of our wives and daughters imprisoned in French atheistic controlled brothels, was also called a mulatto, and a mulatto lover. 1 don’t know where the ‘mulatto’ notion came from but the lover stems from his alleged relationship with one of his black or mulatto slaves, Sally Hemmings. Descendants of Sally and the testimony of other of Jefferson’s slave family, advocate that Sally Hemmings was in fact Thomas Jefferson’s concubine, and that she bore several children on his behalf.
Descendants from the “white” half of the Jefferson clan claim that this is untrue. They attribute Sally’s mulatto offspring to two of Jefferson’s nephews who were raised at Monticello, Peter and Samuel Carr. But whatever, this relationship was public knowledge in Jefferson’s time and was used against him in his political career.
Madison had Dolly, and she doesn’t seem to have been the type that would have tolerated any shenanigans on his part. Besides she looks to have been much bigger and probably much stronger than he was.
Monroe appears to have been “henpecked” and at the beck, call and domination of his two spoiled rotten daughters. His reputation was with a bottle and not a brothel.
Our next Democratic sex scandal is with Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson met his future wife Rachel Donelson while he was staying at a boarding house. Rachel was married to a bully and wife beater named Lewis Robards. Rachel kept running away, until finally she gained the attention and support of Andrew. Andrew challenged Robards in several different ways until Robards finally agreed to let Rachel be. Andrew eventually married Rachel but her divorce and separation from Robards was not finalized. This became the source of much innuendo and accusation. Rachel was called a bigamist, a slut, and tramp and a whore. Andrew had challenged many men to a duel or combat over this matter, but even after Rachel received a proper divorce, the matter was still a constant source of political slander. And then there was the Eaton affair.
Senator John Eaton was wanted by Jackson to become his Secretary of war. Eaton was having an affair with Margaret Timberlake. Peggy, as Margaret was called, was said to have been living or co-habitating with Johnny and given birth to two little you know what’s. Andrew advised John to go and marry the girl if he truly loved her, and stop the rumors. John took Andrew’s advice, but it didn’t stop the rumors and Peggy was just never accepted as one of the ‘girls’ in uptown-downtown D.C.
“Ma! Ma! Where’s my Pa ... Gone to the White House ... Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Grover Cleveland, the Great Pure White Hope candidate, campaigning on a reform, “throw the crooks out” program, is found to have an illegitimate child. Mrs. Maria Halpin, claimed Grover as the father of her illegitimate son. Grover wasn’t quit sure about the whole thing, but acknowledged that the accusation could have had his personal stamp of approval. In any case, when asked by one of his campaign staff as to how he should respond to such allegations, Grover advised him to simply “tell the truth”.
They told the truth, and acknowledged the child as Grover’s and Mr. Cleveland was then elected president. The obvious moral to this story is, if you want to grow up to become the president of the United States, go out and knock-up some woman who you can barely remember, and then confess it to everybody.
No? You don’t think so? Well, it worked for Grover, anyway.
Next is Woodrow Wilson. With a name like Woodrow, it is really difficult to imagine any great sex scandal, but yet we have one. It is kind of Woodrow-ish in style and manner, but everybody can’t be named Errol or Tyrone.
Woodrow’s first wife dies while he is in office. Woodrow is then introduced to Edith Bolling Galt. Before Ellen Louise’s body is cold (by many accounts) old Woodrow is sliding down banisters and doing an Irish Jig with screams of jubilation about the many charms of Edith. “Once in love with Edith,” ... Ahh, who the heck can remember Ellen. The whole thing was shocking, and the entire nation was hiding its head in shame. Woodrow finally redeemed us all by formally marrying Edith and ending all the gossip. I, for one, was very relieved.
F.D.R., what a guy! And while in a wheel chair no less. Wow! F.D.R. is accused of having multiple and various affairs while serving as president for his many years in the White house. Most of these scandals have been since or after his death. During his presidency everybody was too busy trying to survive in one way or another and not a whole lot of time was spent on such publicity. Eleanor has also been accused of “lesbianism” and covering it all up with her obviously, hypocritical Humanitarianism. Who the heck did she think she was kidding?
From the world of fantasy and fable we then come to the Knights of Camelot with John F. Kennedy. John’s sexual exploits were mentioned causally while he was president, but really not all that seriously. Today we are told stories that boggle the imagination. It now seems that if there were any women living at the time of John F. Kennedy who DID NOT have sex with the man, they obviously weren’t really trying. Movie sirens of the day are now writing memoirs of their times, making the claim that they did not have sex with John F. Kennedy, but their books aren’t selling for lack of credibility.
John’s sexual craving was so strong that it is now claimed that he carried with him his own personal set of prostitutes who were named by security as ‘Fiddle and Faddle’. And to believe that at the time of his fame as president, I was told by the newspapers that John’s greatest accomplishment was his ability to read over a thousand words a minute.
Jimmy Carter, in his heart, once lusted, and Rosalind has been patiently waiting ever since. I can not believe that this story actually caused a sensation. My guess is that Jimmy couldn’t believe it either. The media, it seems, was experiencing a real dry spell. Jimmy did an interview with Playboy Magazine. Now really, Jimmy Carter in Playboy Magazine? Can you believe it, even today? But after Nixon and Ford the country was ready for any kind of action. Watching Nixon walk on the beach, casually, in his tux and Florsheims, and Gerald Ford tumbling down T.W.A. exit ramps, I suppose even Jimmy Carter in Playboy Magazine was SOMETHING.
I always wonder why in the following issue of playboy Magazine they didn’t have a follow up story, complete with centerfold and imaginative art, depicting what exactly Jimmy had once lusted for.
And after the excitement of Jimmy finally calmed down, we have none other than Peek-a-boo you-know-who Clinton. Now you see him, now you don’t. And here we have a full grown man, sneaking around the Whitehouse, pulling his pants up and down, while screaming, peek-a-boo, guess who? And who would ever have believed it? What is even more, who even cared? Not the American People, but obviously some people.
Bill was president for eight years, and it seems that from day one he was under investigation. He is the only president in history to be accused of everything that every other president in history was ever accused of - him and his wife both. Their daughter was left pretty much alone which, now, does seem surprising. She must have done something! How could she have lived in a family of homicidal murderers, rapists, phycho-fanatic psychological miscreants, and lived a perfectly normal childhood? I mean if we can believe what we have read in the newspapers and watched with our own eyes on TV, the Clintons are Bonnie and Clyde, Leopold and Loeb, and Martin and Lewis all rolled in one.
We had Whitewater, Travelgate, and Deep Monica. But yet after all is said and done, and thirty-eight million dollars in investigative expenses, the only thing that we can put anyone in jail for is lying about the good name and reputation of a number of ladies who have since either written a million seller book about their exploits, had a centerfold in playboy magazine, or made a half a million appearing on celebrity boxing.
No, no no! The truth is that Billy lied under oath. Most people think that it was when he shook his finger on TV and said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” But that wasn’t it. Oh, he lied at that time too, but he wasn’t under oath. Some people ask; “But what about the oath that he took when he became president?” In that oath he promised to defend the Constitution. There is nothing in the Constitution about not telling a lie, or even getting a blow job. Telling a lie, that was George Washington to his father about the cherry tree. There is nothing in the Constitution that says that the president can’t lie to the people. Our forefathers weren’t that stupid. “Thou shalt not tell a lie.” That’s Moses! That ain’t the Constitution. Jimmy Carter is the only president that never told a lie, and look what it got him.
They say that Bill Clinton brought the presidency to an all time low, but really, Monica was not all that bad. She was a little chubby but so is Oprah Winfrey.
It does seem funny though, we have what’s-his-name Starr of the special prosecutor’s deal; we have Senator Alfonse D’Amato of where the hell is he now; we have Newt Gingrish. . . Gengrick, Goulash or what ever his name was; we have those two guys in the house of representatives who got stoned to death by their own past before they could even throw their first stone and then we have Mrs. Clinton, the now Senator from New York, and Bill, let’s-send-him-another-million, Clinton from the National Democratic International Fund Raisers of the World. And, I’ll bet if he decided to run again, he would probably get re-elected.