Toilet Seats

By Richard E. Noble

Whether the toilet seat should be up or down has become a major point of controversy between the male and female of the species, at least in developed countries where toilet seats exist. This issue has been brought to a point of intensity, in my opinion, by woman. I have never yet met a man who has complained of having a problem with his toilet seat. I have had many strange conversations with men but never have I sat around drinking beer with a bunch of guys discussing toilet seats and whether they should be kept up or down. Without doubt this is a girl thing. Coleslaw, potato salad, ice tea, and toilet seats seem to be of major concern only to woman.
I have been in the restaurant business most of my adult life and never have I been confronted by a male who complained of sour ice tea. I, myself, am part English and was raised in the Boston area. You do remember Boston; that place of Tea Party fame? Tea was so important to Bostonians that they started a revolution over it. I have used tea every morning in place of coffee for the greater part of my life. Nevertheless, I have on occasion made a cup of tea on a Monday, found that same cup of tea in the microwave on a Thursday, re-heated it, and drank it without the slightest hesitation. Slap some mayo on a piece of cabbage or a potato and I will eat it without analysis or prolonged discussion. And I have never asked the question at any family gathering; ‘Who made this coleslaw?” - NEVER!
But Toilet seats are today’s problem. When I was a little boy I was trained BY WOMEN to lift the toilet seat up before peeing. My father had no interest in any of this business and after peeing in my pants on several occasions because of a lack of a public facility, he taught me how to pee on a telephone pole, in an alley, or behind a building. Information that I still find valuable today. But the logic of lifting up the home toilet seat never perplexed me. It was only after being married for a number of years that I learned that it was not only my responsibility to put the toilet seat up before I peed, but to put it down after I was done. I should do this, I have been told BY WOMEN because, a half-asleep woman wondering around during the middle of the night looking for a place to pee often finds herself sitting on a cold porcelain bowl. What, I wonder, in this day of Republican individualism and personal responsibility, have I become the guardian of the female butt? I really don’t give a darn if she has a wet butt or a cold butt. You can bet when I go to pee, anywhere, I not only check to see if the toilet seat is up or down depending on my particular intention, I also make darn sure that it is dry and clean. This seems like common sense to me. I do it all on my own with complete understanding of the consequences if I don’t. And after doing so I don’t blame anyone, nor do I go about complaining about my victimization by the human race.
Why is it that women do not seem to be capable of exercising this same responsibleness? What are they dopey?
Maybe when we go out to dinner, us men should escort our wives to the facility, clean and check the toilet seat for them, and I suppose we could also wipe their butts when they are done because maybe they will forget. I think it is time that US GIRLS should do a little growing up here. Let’s all take care of our own butts and our own toilet responsibilities, Okay? I don’t need your help. Why do you need mine?

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